Dishes, Disagreements & Deep Healing: What Living With My Mom Taught Me About Healthy Conflict
Living with my mom as an adult isn’t easy. We clash over everything—who showers first, who buys groceries, even how to load the dishwasher. But I chose this intentionally: to break free from old family patterns and finally grow up mentally.
I was raised in a conservative family, where avoiding awkward conversations was common. Even if they happened, they would turn into accusations and verbal abuse. Then the cleaning would begin: loud, showy, and door-slamming. My parents didn’t know how to talk about their emotions and feelings, so neither did I. That created an environment of false harmony and love.
Since our relationships with parents profoundly impact our lives, I’ve noticed that feelings of guilt and shame cause me to withdraw from life and become reclusive. When you layer in guilt and shame, you’ve become hyper vigilant of someone’s reaction and take everything super seriously, which is very paralyzing. That’s why, I’ve decided to make a change and create a springboard for myself.
Now, we’ve reached a point where I actually look forward to disagreements with my parents because of the growth they bring. These conflicts provide the clarity and feeling of integrity. My mom and I are learning to perceive confrontations as opportunities to deepen our connection and find a fresh kind of validation — but that takes work from both sides.
Of course, conflicts make all of us stretch into the uncomfortable, even though we are aware of the rules of the game. It is emotionally hard to go through every single confrontation with dignity and bring enmeshment out of the shadows. First, a prolonged uncertainty, when you are left hanging, is galling. Second, you can stop speaking to another person, but they still occupy your thoughts, fueling exhausting rumination. Third, that person who has instigated the split is usually plagued by a nagging sense that something is wrong, and they question whether they’ve made the right decision to start the fight. Fourth, we often cling to very powerful narratives and can’t give up on them easily. It is hard to embrace the idea that others don’t have to accept our views and moreover apologize. Fifth, the pain we feel when we are rejected is akin to physical pain. Sixth, when we run high on emotions, our higher cognitive functions to shut down, leaving us paralyzed. That’s why, we either lash out or run away, feeling powerless — no one wants to feel like a loser. But all of this is worth facing, if you develop self-awareness and have tricks up your sleeve.
Here’s what helped me shift from fear to growth—practical steps anyone can try:
1. Be aware of the signs of escalation in your own emotions, and step away if necessary.
Recognizing when you’re becoming overwhelmed allows you to pause and prevent saying or doing something you might regret.
2. Look at the part you play in the conflict.
Taking responsibility for your actions helps de-escalate tension and opens the door for honest communication.
3. Identify where old patterns of doubt and self-blame come from.
Understanding past triggers can help you respond more rationally instead of reacting emotionally.
4. Recognize a family pattern you don’t want to repeat.
Acknowledging unhealthy cycles from your upbringing empowers you to break them and respond differently.
5. Work out what’s your stuff and what’s somebody else’s.
Separating your own emotions from the other person’s helps you address the real issue without unnecessary blame.
6. Keep the door open if you are rebuffed.
Giving the other person space while remaining open to future dialogue shows patience and willingness to reconcile.
7. Move further if reconciliation is unmanageable. Don’t rub salt in the wound.
Sometimes, distance is healthier than forcing resolution—letting go with grace prevents further hurt.
Our 6-month transformation:
1. Learned who we are through the differences we have with each other.
By embracing disagreements instead of avoiding them, we discovered more about our own values, triggers, and strengths, leading to greater self-awareness.
2. Learned how to communicate our perspectives.
Instead of reacting defensively, we practiced expressing our thoughts clearly and calmly, fostering mutual understanding rather than escalating tension.
3. Verbalized our needs and learned how to listen to each other
By openly sharing what we truly needed—and truly hearing each other—we built trust and reduced misunderstandings.
4. Put a true representation of ourselves out in this world.
We stopped hiding behind people-pleasing or aggression and instead showed up authentically, even when it felt vulnerable.
5. Set up healthy boundaries
We learned to say “no” without guilt and “yes” with intention, protecting our energy while staying open to connection.
6. Started to relate philosophically more
Moving beyond surface-level conflicts, we explored deeper beliefs and values, finding common ground in our outlooks on life.
7. Deepened our connection
Through honesty, patience, and willingness to grow, our relationship became stronger and more resilient than before.
Conflict doesn’t have to mean disaster. What if it could be a doorway to deeper understanding? I’d love to hear: How do you handle tough conversations—with partners, parents, or yourself?